bits and pieces 5

— One of the tracking services I use for my book’s site gets some hits for odd search phrases. I only read the summary and do not log into the control panel to see if there was more than one hit (one hit is enough to go in my stats, of course).

For the person who wants to know if putting in a tampon is like having sex — no, it isn’t.

Here are a few suggestions for the person who wanted some “tips when ordering an escort.”

When ordering an escort, make sure the delivery service wraps her up in a foil blanket so she stays warm on the ride over and will be hot and fresh at your door. Make sure she’s made up of only the bits you like best, no sense in throwing in some extra intelligence if you always ignore it anyway! Always ask for extra cheese or sauce, you never know, the kitchen might be in the mood to throw that in. Tip the delivery person if the escort arrives early. Don’t bother to tip the escort — that’s just silly! Always have your coins counted out in advance, no one likes to wait at the door while you pull pennies out of the change jar. Make sure the escort ordering service offers a “30 minutes or it’s free” guarantee just like every other pizza kitchen in town (since a pizza and escort are exactly the same thing, of course). Most importantly, make sure to announce you’re using a coupon when placing your order! Coupons can usually be found in the local papers.

On the other hand, maybe the person wanted to know how to order an escort to do something. Good luck with that, pal.

— I went over to Europe with a set of photos that showed a lot of personality, not a lot of skin. I liked them, US guys liked them, but they didn’t impress many over there. I resolved to do ultra-sexy (for me, at any rate) when I got back. So I did. Irony of ironies, these new photos are generally too sexy for US advertisers working around 2257. So I can’t use many of the ones I’d like to. (Obviously this one has been sitting around for a while in the Drafts folder.)

— Did you know that Angelina Jolie, Eva Mendes and I are all way over the hill for highly-discriminating escort agencies? (At least according to their stated hiring policies.) I did find one agency in London for whom we’re all almost 20yrs too young — which was refreshing.