76 thoughts on “the world according to stupid clients”

1. Absolutely brilliant. I almost choked on my food reading this.

2. Wonderfully priceless! I needed the laughter today! Hugs.

3. Dear Ms. Brooks:
   Now I get an appreciation of what you have to go through and the harassment that you have to put up with within the course of you jobs. I really feel you pain.

4. Awesome! Love it, so true!

5. I’m not sure which emails annoy me the most: these, the general time wasters or the religious nuts looking to “save me”.

6. Jill — Thank you! You inspired this, you know.

   Elisabeth — Glad you got a laugh! You inspired some of these too.

   Jenny — Thank you!!

   Aspasia — These can be amusing. Time-wasters often aren’t amusing since they actually waste time (and I don’t have enough to waste). Religious nuts are amusing too. IMO, of course.

   Lionel — Not just me or only me — EVERY girl out there. This post wasn’t about pain though — just a chance to laugh and make fun of the rampant idiocy out there.

7. Brilliant! I love the way, you say it. Still laughing…

8. Claus — Thank you!!

9. Amanda, I may have inspired it but don’t deserve credit. You put all of this together and it is brilliant. This is your masterpiece. Although, I have to admit it is nice that, for once, I inspired something that made people laugh rather than inspiring them to go into wanting to strangle me 😉

10. That was awesome!:)

11. Jill — 🙂

    Anonymous — Thank you!

12. Concert customer in Memphis goes to Stevie Nicks tour website, sees that she was in Memphis 9 days ago and asks if she is still in his city and she can change her concert from her current city back to the previous one immediately so that he can see her. He is told that is impossible and rebuts but I’m generous and will tip Stevie 20 percent of my ticket price if she comes back to Memphis tonight. Oh and can she wear that white dress and stockings that I like? But not with the boots, but with open toed sandals. And what is her size. If buy her navy blue thigh highs at Wal Mart can she wear them during the concert. He also asks if he can have her private cell phone number so that he can text her 604 times to discuss navy blue thigh highs with open toed sandals. When he is told no to all of the above he warns them he will be complaining to the newspaper they advertised the concert in a month ago for “false advertising”.

    Calls NetJets Corporate Private Jet Rental, at 246 PM tells them he knows they fly into BOS and is just down the street from Boston Logan Airport and wants to charter a flight with full flight crew in full uniform, aircraft fueled and ready to go and needs to depart at 2:54PM and is stunned when they can’t do that. They should have had the crew and the aircraft waiting, fully fueled, cleared for departure by the FAA fully ready for him in case he called. When told they need more time, he is stunned and chides them for their poor customer service and advises them the passenger is always right.

    Goes to Wells Fargo for a home loan, has a credit score of 209 but explains ALL 26 negative entries about him were put there by 26 evil companies just trying to ruin his reputation He was a model customer with an impeccable record and 26 separate companies that he admits doing business with all for an unknown reason all said they would never lend to him again. He disparages Wells Fargo for not taking his word that they are all lies and he is good for it.

    Calls a house painter and asks them to paint the entire house for free and if he likes it he will pay them what he feels he owes them and calls them money grubbing whore painters that have no sense of trust in him after knowing him for 2 minutes on a phone call.

13. Arrives at a TSA Checkpoint with a loaded gun. He does not want to go through security but has a document that says he is a model citizen and is not a terrorist or criminal and a note from his mother as a reference. When he is rejected by the TSA agent he tells she is a paranoid bitch and he only brings the gun because he can’t enjoy his flight any other way.

14. Jill — Brilliant!!! Since you were the inspiration for this post anyway, you’ve just added a great new layer. Love your examples.

15. Ah Ya’ll make me laugh my arse off. I love it.

    What can you say, just proof that you are the most remarkable people on the planet for putting up with the extreme levels of bullshit. Just another reason we love you so 🙂

    Keep it all coming along.

16. Flatmate — Thank you! Glad you enjoyed the joke. 🙂 Knew you would.

17. Not that they feel entitled or anything!

18. Hi, ummm, I saw your ad on backpage that says “Luxury Private Jet Rental – BlueStarJ*ts.com – Prices start at $1,550 per hour Specials TODAY 866-538-84*8″. I’m wondering what your half hour rate is. I have $80.” You won’t take it? WTF? I’m telling you I have $80 and you won’t take my money. You have to! I’m a paying customer with $80. I’m calling the BBB and Attorney General and reporting you for false advertisment. By law you are required to serve all customers! By the time I’m finished you will be out of business you……….. Call back 2 minutes later. I have $100 for 1/2 hour flight. Will that work? Come on. I’m just a working guy. Can’t you give me a break and make it up on the next guy?

19. Emails Delta Airlines ” Can U send me more pics? Delta responds “sir the delta.com website is filled with pictures” BP client “um yeah I know but I want to see a pic of the seat I will be sitting in” Delta responds “Sir that isn’t possible” BP Client “But how will I know that my seat is exactly the way I like it without any previous re-stitching”? Delta again responds “Sir, that isn’t possible”. BP Client, “um ok, how bout if I get on the plane and fly and if I like the seat I’ll pay for the flight when I deplane?” “What do you mean no?” Fuck you. Every other airline does this for me.

20. Calls Delta Airlines at 3:01 AM, 3:02 AM, 3:04AM 3:17AM 3:24 AM, always getting the same automated message saying call back during normal business hours. Goes to website and emails at 3:25 AM. U have seats avail at 3:30 AM? How cum you don’t answer the phone? I’ve called 19 times in the last hour. Oh and do u have flights that I don’t have to go through security and will never worry about safety? That’s what I looking for. I want USFFS, NSFS, BGONFS.

21. Customer goes to GNC. Tells Store Manager he needs an herbal cleanser. She and he both know what he means. He needs to pass a drug test. He starts to tell her more and she stops him and says she has what he needs and goes to ring it up. Her persists in asking just 1 question. Again she tries to stop him. But he tells her “umm, I’m on probation for drug use and took an herbal cleanser and got busted for obstruction of justice, but you seem cool, I need to know if what you are selling me will help me pass the test? He is dumbfounded when she advises him she can not sell him anything at this point. He persists and she sarcastically refers him to a disliked competitor. And he says, “great can you give me their phone number?”

22. Calls a highly regarded, long established general contractor to remodel his house. The contractor has great reviews and an A+++ BBB rating who offers him a flat rate to remodel his house with quality products that comply with all ordinances and is completed in the proper time frame. He instead hires contractors with great pics on back page to remodel his house for $40 specail (SIC). He is stunned to find out the contractors are Ranger X’s Home Renavashens (SIC)who put up part the frame of 1 wall for $40 then demand a huge amount to complete the job. He is even more stunned when he demands his money back and two guys named Creepy and Boby mysteriously show up and rob him. So he calls the first contractor who he complained their price was too high, tells them his hard luck story and asks if they can finish his remodel. Only because he was robbed he only has 1/2 the amount they charge. They tell him no again. The price is the price. He tells them fine. “I found a another competitor on BP who will do the job for $80 special and I’m taking my business there. You’ll never hear from me again. I’ll take my business to the $80 special. That will teach you. He gets ripped off again. Calls contractor one for the third time with the intention of offering them 1/3 of their rate because he really wants them. And can’t understand why everytime he calls he gets an automated message saying his number has been blocked.

23. David — Indeed!

    Jill — You’re so right. You can riff on this theme for DAYS!!!

24. Calls Accuweather. Umm, yeah, I saw your website on the internet. I saw a high pressure that you have a high pressure over Portland, Oregon. I want to see that high pressure in Killeen Texas in 30 minutes. Accuwx tells him, “sir that isn’t possible, we can’t control the weather, but it will get to Killeen in 2 days.” BP client. “Yeah, I know but I really like high pressures and want to enjoy it while my wife is away and she’ll be back tomorrow” Can you put it here in 30 minutes? If you do I’ll write a good review of Accuweather

25. Goes to a car dealership, take a car for a test drive and never returns it. Owes the dealership $40,000 for the car he stole. Calls them 7 months later and says he knows he owes them. Can he give them 1/2 of the price of the car he stole and come test drive a new one and if he likes it pay full price this time? He promises this time to return the car and pay for it. And you can count on him. He argues but I”m a paying customer. You can’t refuse me. You’re just doing that because you’re a racist.

26. Calls and makes an appointment with a urologist. Emails them a pic of his penis which is deleted. He is advised pics of the sort are not acceptable. He shows up for the appointment and is stunned that he is being charged for it. He thought the urologist became one because he liked penisis. And if he just looks again at his penis he know he’ll want to treat him for free.

27. Jill — There is a definite theme here. 🙂

28. A theme? I don’t see it 😉

29. This reminds me of the old saying, “best to be quiet and have others guess you are intelligent than to open your mouth and have others know what a fool you are” or something to that effect. Usually it’s a mistake younger guys make, often they have had a sheltered life or they have been married a long time.

    I have a teenager so I get to live with this type of attitude on a daily basis. It’s alot easier to just hang up on someone acting like this than it is dealing with teenage attitudes sometimes. With the teenager, I have to feed the mouth that has just insulted me!

30. Massuse — These guys prove that saying ALL THE TIME.

    Having to live with a teenager!!! Way worse. You win. 🙂 But…you also know that years down the road they’re going to realize you weren’t that bad after all.

31. The surreal thing about reading this is, the superrich ACTUALLY DO THIS. Pretty nearly EVERYTHING listed here.

    And they actually GET AWAY WITH IT sometimes too. The bank opens after hours for them (at no charge), Gulfstream gives them free use of a jet, etc.

    I guess this is an example of the hierarchy/patriarchy/capitalism in action; people within it pull this stuff on people they think are lower caste, so the people at the top pull it on everyone.

32. Nathanael — REALLY???? Wow. I can see totally see Donald Trump behaving like this and I can ONLY imagine what his prenups say. This isn’t my idea of how I’d behave regardless of how much or little money I have. I was raised right.

    I don’t think this attitude has ANYTHING to do with capitalism but you’re right in that it has everything to do with patriarchy/respect/social status. (To me, capitalism means you’re free to find someone who offers you what you want instead of bothering the person who DOESN’T offer what you want.) Then again, a friend and I have had a number of discussions where we’ve decided we’d get more out of life if we had a grander sense of entitlement.

33. this is brilliant!

34. Miss Dior — Thank you!

35. Well, there is at least ONE way in which sex work is very different from other types of profession. That is, I don’t find many other professions with members who blog endlessly about problems with their customers. Your the professional here – if you haven’t grasped the psychology of the market base yet, then that seems very odd. I don’t read blogs by (say) architechs complaining about customers using manipulative tactics to haggle with.

    Or….are you…actually suggesting that sex work ISN’T in fact like other types of work, and that by virtue of it’s simulation of the pair-bonding mechanism between men and women, men might often fall into psychological and emotional traps when doing this…that the simulation of intimacy is by its very nature a fraught and risky thing. You above all people should know this (of course you do) and yet you seem to be raging against that reality in these posts about customer behaviour. It means nothing but business to you, but as an experienced escort you cannot avoid knowing that it will mean more than business to a lot of lonely and frustrated men. In most work, you deal with the occupational hazards or you get out, you don’t rage against the unfairness of the existence of those hazards, against reality.

36. Paul — I’m not “raging” I’m making fun of stupid men. There are TONS of men out there who don’t act with stupidity and they are well-liked clients by all sex workers. Granted, they might not be blogged about as often, but it’s a discretionary nicety for their sake. Plus, making fun of stupid people is fun.

    As for me feeling pity for the poor, emotionally-confused dude who mistakes an escort ad for deep, loving feelings on the part of a sex worker he’s never met — well, I have no pity. None. Obviously. If that’s non-professional of me, well, so be it. This is a business where I am my own boss and I can shoot myself in the foot as often as I please (assuming that’s what you’re thinking I’m doing).

37. Paul,

    If you had read Amanda’s blog without going into a self absorbed crusade about how men are victimized then perhaps you would have noticed the men in most of the examples aren’t clients. They aren’t customers. They are idiots who think they are entitled to things that they are not. As is the case with many clients of escorts.

    What industry do you work in where employees don’t openly complain about idiot customers? I’ve been in like 14 different industries and it is the same in all. Customers believe they are entitled to far more than they are. They believe they know what the job requires and they don’t.

    A client in a session with an escort is the recipient of a performance. An escort is a skilled professional that delivers a service. If the men mistake that for actual emotional connection and bond that is the men’s problem. Entirely. The men that do that need to grow up. It is a business arrangement.

    If I go to a concert and love the concert then I leave happy with what I received. The artists delivered on the ticket. They put on a professional show that satisfied or exceeded my expectations and provided for a good experience.

    If I fall in love with a band member based upon being a concert goer than I am an idiot. Even if the band says we love you Portland. They aren’t really in love with the audience. Even if a member of the audience feels a connection with the band. There isn’t one in reverse. It is understandable that teenagers feel an unrealistic connection to performers. Grown men who hire escorts and get their little feelings hurt because they over attached. They need to grow up.

38. Paul, Part 2.

    You are the cliche customer. One all self righteous, all ready to explain to someone who is a professional in an industry that you are just a customer how you feel they should do their jobs.

    You are akin to the idiot who lectures a flight attendant on what he believes he should receive for service and that she is a waitress. When waitress is about 3 percent of her job.

    Lose the arrogance sweat pea. You don’t know what you are talking about when it comes to escorts and you highlight that with your response that didn’t match the topic, that is absurdly incorrect in it’s assumptions and that is grandiose and self important with false sense of understanding.

    Being a customer doesn’t qualify you to give business advice to a professional in any industry. Your petty, childishly self important and is a pathetic defense of grown men that can’t understand a professional relationship.

    Not the escort’s problem when the men are emotional teenagers that need their little feelings protected. An escort is a performer. Not a a clients mama.

    If I offended you. Tough shit. You brought it on yourself. The world doesn’t revolve around you. The customer isn’t always right and just because a customer believes they are entitled to something doesn’t mean they are.

39. Amanda,

    Paul is a pathetic self absorbed man who doesn’t understand humor, sees the world as victimizing defenseless helpless men. God forbid that someone expose ripoff clients. Don’t do that according to Paul. That might hurt their feelings…….

    Paul has a mama complex. The world has to be like mama. Tell poor men they are loved, they are taken care of, tell them it’s going to be ok, smooth their little feelings out. He is cliche of men that don’t realize life changed when they moved out of their house at 18. Or in Pauls case probably 29, and that there isn’t mommy to put oitment on their little boo boos or go talk to whoever is picking on their precious son.

    If you want clients like Paul and those he defends open a fetish business for adult day care where they can be treated like children. It’s ok Paul, sweetie, you’re loved. You are perfect just the way you are………

    makes me sick.

40. Jill takes aim and fires. Still calculating the tonnage of that payload.

    Though Jill and I approach our work differently, we’re both in agreement that Paul fails reading comprehension and maybe has some issues to work out in regards to NSA sex (much less the paid kind).

41. Paul will probably want the UN to sanction me for picking on a defenseless, cute little pudding head because his mama called him that so all women have to…….

42. Paul – Your first paragraph and last sentence are absurdly unrealistic. Everyone has gripes about their occupation – sometimes good-natured, sometimes wistful, sometimes embittered. Naturally, they often commiserate with those in the same occupation, since that is who will usually best understand. This is universal among peoples and occupations – is it fundamentally any different if by blog rather than by mouth? Most people in most jobs know they have to take the occasional lumps with the gravy.

    If sex work is different from other occupations, it is in that although men who exhibit this wanker-behavior with sex workers also tend to do so in their other interactions (to the extent they think they can get away with it), with sex workers they often feel more confident that they can act like a wanker without consequences (and so act shocked and outraged when the sex worker won’t put up with it), and they are likely to act like wankers to a worse degree or with more prevalence.

    What does interacting with a sex worker have to do with simulation? What is simulated about spending real, green money and having actual conversation, (perhaps) sex and other activities with a real, attractive, interesting, amusing woman? Don’t (or shouldn’t) those things arouse and invigorate mind, body, soul and all five senses? What other activity, with who else, would do that? Isn’t it a really rewarding & enjoyable part of life to make those types of acquaintances, and be good, amusing, mutually-beneficial company to each other, from time to time? What person pushes all of his or her relationships with others until they burst?

    “It means nothing but business to you …” What the devil else would you expect it to be? Do you expect every sex worker to fall heads over heels in love (or in lust) with their every client? Or only with you? And if she doesn’t, she’s just a walking, talking money vacuum? I would turn it around: to the prospective client you describe, the encounter is nothing but another misdirected, ill-fated waste of a bit of his money; for her, it’s much more important – her means of survival and existence. As I’ve said before, if the client realizes this, and treats the lady with respect, he will have a far greater chance of getting what he actually craves.

43. Lee — I’ve missed you! As always, you’re spot on and eloquent.

    You made an excellent point: the men like Paul are the ones who reduce the experience to a transaction with their provider, yet get terribly upset if she views it the same.

    Like in most things with life, especially in dealing with other humans, you get what you give.

44. Responds to advertisement placed by accountant offering tax return advice. Asks for personal training session. When informed that accountant does not offer that service and reminded that the advertisement he referred to clearly described the tax return service on offer, he demands the personal training session be provided because “all the other accountants do personal training sessions”.

    Also:

    Goes to restaurant. Orders $100 meal, but only wants to pay $50 on the basis that he eats regularly at another restaurant.

    1. HexyHex — YES!!! (Especially if he goes to steakhouse and orders $100 meal, but the restaurant he normally eats at is a local Chinese takeout because of course they’re exactly the same.)

45. Amanda, this post is right on!

    Yes, escorts do often blog about industry-related problems. But this post is not about ACTUAL clients; the aforementioned will never get a date with an escort. Why? Because he clearly doesn’t respect the transaction.

    Yes, we are aware of the “vulnerability” and mental state of many men out there, however we owe NOTHING to those to write us requesting discounts or making demands in their very first contact.

    If anything, this entry might make some readers realize how silly & fruitless their actions are. I recently wrote a blog educating potential clients on how to write a perfect first-contact email to an escort. In any industry, clients need to be educated about the service so they can proceed correctly.

    @Paul – This post was meant to be funny. Just laugh already!

46. Kitchen Muse — Thank you! I have to go read your blog post now. 🙂

47. PS: Just read Kitchen Muse’s post and it’s a good read:
    http://cookingcourtesan.blogspot.com/2012/04/contacting-new-york-escort-101-write.html

    Notice how the first guy thinks an escort MUST have a disclaimer that she doesn’t lower her rates, that she wishes to have her hair/makeup/bedding destroyed with baby oil (not to mention possibly getting hurt during an amateur massage), that chocolate is the same as cash, and that she’s willing to hand over her soul for it all. Oh, and that he’s showing his sense of humor (he is, it’s just not funny or charming). Just because a lady is classy doesn’t mean she’ll only attract those type.

48. All the comparisons you have made are to lawful industries.

    If you take business into your own hands and decide to run a criminal enterprise (prostitute yourself) it’s no longer the public’s responsibility to provide that framework of moral/behavioural standards.

    tldr; You don’t pay tax or run a legal enterprise, you probably make more money than any of your legally employed friends, STFU whore.

    For the record, I’m all for legalising prostitution. I have never used a prostitute but wouldn’t necessarily be against it.

49. Nico — It’s my blog and I won’t shut the fuck up. However, you most certainly can. Blocked.

50. Amanda, I started working as an escort late last year and your books were incredibly helpful in getting me started. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the information! Whereas I already had a full time job, it was not sufficient to support myself in this economy. Your books were a godsend.

    I enjoy reading your blog as well. Keep up the good work and thanks again!

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