I start off with some light observation, then go into a discussion of working in a (mostly) decriminalized system.
what are you really paying for?
[Probably opening a can of worms with this post, but it’s something I’ve wanted to say for a while.]
I’ve said it over and over again — escort work is about energy, creating a connection, entertainment and selling time, not sex. This is what I do for a living. Since I don’t work for a corporation, this is how I make my income. This is my job. It can involve sex, but not always. It always involves time, energy, conversation, and creating a connection. Always.
Many men have offered a friendly meeting for lunch or coffee. With rare exception — at my discretion, of course — I turn these offers down. Why? They aren’t offering to compensate me for my time and energy. It insults them that I wish to be paid for how I make my living. Yet what are they expecting? They expect me to show up well-groomed, well-dressed, to entertain and flatter, share my mind, my time, my energy. At the end of that time out of my day, I will be drained. They, on the other hand, will have gained. How is this a fair trade?
Some have tried to flatter me by telling me what great company I am. Yes, I know. That’s my job. That’s what I get paid to do. I make my income by selling my time and energy. Clients — who by definition pay me for my efforts — show respect for my time/energy by compensating me as I request. I always appreciate that.
My friend Holly Brooks* states is so well on her site:
While I always share a fond affection for my patrons, please do not ask me to meet you for any time without compensation, no matter how long we have known each other. This includes, “just a coffee” or “just lunch.” As a professional companion, people find me fascinating enough to invest in having my undivided attention for an allotted time– and what we do with that time or where we spend it has no bearing on how much the time costs. I get compensated for my time and company– that’s what I do for a living. Thank you for understanding and for not taking advantage of my time. 🙂
Exactly, Holly.
I offer a 1hr pick-my-brain session for both men and women over the age of 18. It’s compensated, of course, but it’s on the table for those who want to enjoy some personal time with me. And if you don’t think a conversation is personal attention, then these coffee/lunch offers wouldn’t be made in the first place.
Freud should’ve asked what men want
Men who want to spend time with a sex worker without sex (and without paying for her time), are an ironic contrast to men who take women out to dinner under the guise of dating and expect sex from her because they paid for dinner; even if it was very, very inexpensive.
*no relation
the evolution of boundaries
I’ve been back at work since May 2008. At the beginning, I was reeling and incapable of really knowing what I wanted – professionally. So I tried something I thought I would be suitable for: high-end work. I had a few clients and they were wonderful. I enjoyed myself.
I am at a new phase of life. Not only am I single again after a long time of not, I’m into my sexual prime. I feel it. Some of it may be the feeling of freedom and rebirth, some of it may be due to biology, some of it that I’m no longer on birth control pills for the first time since I was 20. Either way, these few, leisurely, well-paid assignations were very nice for me, like gentle training wheels.
And I discovered something.
deathless client responses
This is a toss-off post, really. But should be amusing.
In Dallas, when I was ready for things to move from talking to action, I’d say (like many escorts) “Would you like to get comfortable?†One day a client sitting on the couch in my incall said in perfect sincerity and innocence “I already am, thank you.â€
I took his hand to lead him where I wanted him to go. And I stopped asking the question.
More recently, a client in Vegas, new to gambling, told me that he’d played Russian Roulette but didn’t like it because he kept losing.
The roulette played on the main floor of Vegas casinos is not Russian, no matter how painful it is to lose.
processing pain, karmic debt and coming out
Yeah, it’s been a while. I’m still getting caught up with emails and life.
Obviously, my life has been in upheaval for the past couple months. I’ve been barely holding myself together since October and moving at the end of April pretty much capped it.
The relationship is over. That pain has been dealt with. The pain I’m still dealing with is what happened to me and how/why I let it happen. Though I can’t really speak publicly about it, I’ve been threatened with various actions if I reveal too much. This blog has been censored since Day 1 and is still being censored. It’s a concern, but not a vital one for me to address at this moment.
Which leads to my karmic debt. So many people, including a lot I’ve never met, have offered support and help in various ways. And it has helped. There is no magic wand to make things better, but being alone makes things much worse.
You’ve let me know I am not alone.
There isn’t enough I can possibly do to repay the kindness shown or the tolerance for my recent flakiness.
The more unfortunate side effect is that my personal energy is at an ebb and I have little energy to give to those who also need it. Several other friends have had crises too. But then, that’s what a support network is for. My small sisterhood of sex workers have been wonderful. There is so much love the outside world never sees and completely fails to understand.