A few of the finer points of being a [good] client. These aren’t deal-breakers or anything blacklist-worthy, not by any stretch. It’s about those special little things, those bits where a man misses the mark. Not really something he can prepare for; though if he actually took care of himself head to toe like his companion does it would cease to be an issue. Since the specific men who inspired these examples probably aren’t going to see me again (I don’t hide annoyance well), I hope that their next companions have an easier time of it.

buying lingerie

This is an area where most men fail. The easy way not to fail: 1) buy her a giftcard to a store she likes (whether online or off) or 2) take her shopping. Whatever you do, do not make a big deal about asking her what her favorite lingerie brands are because when she lists Lise Charmel, Aubade and Agent Provacateur because that’s what she spends her own money on and you buy her items that look like they came from your local truck stop, she is not going to be happy or impressed or very thankful.

A girlfriend thought I was being too picky but when I showed her the questionable lingerie in question, she was aghast. Even hookers working the truck stop where he presumably saw these things wouldn’t want to wear them. About the only place where such tackiness is considered semi-normal is Asia because they have no taste in lingerie (a whole other post).

In all my time, only one man has had excellent taste in lingerie and arguably knows more about it than I do. One. If you’e not him, do one of the two things I mentioned in the second sentence of this section. I’ll happily buy something both pretty and flattering (which is the whole goal, isn’t it?). I guarantee it won’t look like it was hanging behind the cash register near the diesel pumps.

your skin

Every sex worker has one pet peeve about men’s unfortunate physical condition. This is a rich area to explore because men rarely take care of themselves. Some girls know their thing right off the bat but it was only recently that I finally figured out mine: skin. If you can power-sand a brick building by running the edge of your arm over it, you need to take care of your skin.

I have made enormous effort since my pre-teen years to keep my skin in top condition and the payoff is now. My skin is radiant and satin-smooth. The big secret? Other than regular exfoliation and moisturizing after every single shower of the last 25 years, I take care of myself. This means eating correctly and exercising. Groundbreaking science, I know.

Men used to go nuts petting me in strip clubs. After a couple minutes of frenzied rubbing by their rough hands, I’d pull away and tell them they’re rubbing the finish off (I was more worried about losing actual skin, but same difference). Clients have always enjoyed petting me. Both male and female friends throughout the years have petted me (on whatever bits of skin was exposed). I’m one of the most pettable escorts out there. Who wouldn’t enjoy the tactile fun? But it’s not a fair trade for me.

Men don’t take care of themselves and it shows by their 40s. It doesn’t get any better as they get older. There’s nothing unmanly about sticking to a skincare routine. My two lovers with the best skin were also men who ate right, exercised, and used sunscreen and moisturized. They were the two most secure men I’ve ever met.

Start off with a very light lotion, like Lubriderm original. Chances are your skin is so dry you’ll soak it up like a sponge. You can move onto heavier stuff, like unscented cocoa butter or Dove Cream Oil (my current favorite). Experiment with Eucerin or the Vaseline family of lotions. These are all mass market brands, so they’re inexpensive and easy to find. It’s really the very least you can do to take care of your body.

Use sunscreen. There are only five men on the planet who do and it serves them well. Of course, you’re probably way too late for it to make much difference now but it doesn’t hurt to try.

Hands get special mention because they’re much-abused parts on both genders. They get scraped, washed and dried numerous times, and touch all sorts of things that harm the skin. Such abuse shows if you don’t take constant counter-measures. Carry a hotel bottle of lotion with you and lotion your hands after you wash them. Every time. Slather on some nice lotion at night and rub until it’s all soaked in. It will make such a difference. Also, keep your fingernails clean, short, and non-jagged.

Why does it matter? Your hands touch me and my most sensitive areas (wash them with soap first, please). If I can see the scales of your skin without my glasses on, chances are I’m keeping my rose-petal pieces far away from those scratchy scales. If you have velvet hands and smooth fingertips, then the rose is far more likely to blossom.

And finally: weird skin growths. This is something that seems to afflict older men the worst and it comes from decades of non-skincare. This one is really easy to take care of. Weird things hanging off your body that aren’t organs and isn’t hair should be removed. If you have some sort of strange patch of abnormal skin, even if it’s completely begin, treat it so that it resolves back into your normal [dry] skin. Period. It’s unsightly, untouchable, and not the least bit erotic. There might be a woman out there with a weird-skin-condition fetish because anything is possible; I’m just betting you’ll never meet her.

I certainly don’t expect the skin of Western men to feel like mine. I’ll just be happy with skin whose features I don’t have to Google afterwards, wondering just what exactly that thing was and if I’m going to start looking like that. What a treat it is to be with a man whose skin is so unremarkable that I enjoy touching and exploring his body, instead of noting all the odd and off-putting things my fingers encounter along the way.

No doubt your wife will be wondering what’s up. Just tell her you’ve finally gotten a clue. She’ll know it was from another woman no matter what you say.

body hair

I like body hair because it’s masculine. What I hate is shaving it close because then it feels like a steel cactus rubbing against me. Since I don’t go out of my way to have sex with cacti (steel or organic), it’s not something I like. All-natural hair is softest. If you’re self-conscious about your body hair, use a trimmer on a long setting. Not nearly as horrible as a shave. But really, leave your body hair alone. (There are plenty of women who feel completely differently than I do, leading to confusion for men. Sorry about that.)

There is one thing all escorts I’ve met agree on: do a close shave before spending time with your companion. You love the baby-smooth softness of her perfumed cheek rubbing against you, so you rub your cheek against hers in sensuous return (or worse, against even more sensitive parts of her body). It’s not an equal trade. She probably thinks your cheek’s smoothness equals a steel wool scrubbing pad. If you’ve ever checked her bathroom counter, steel wool probably wasn’t included in her beauty regimen. FYI.

the secret of the washcloth

(Blessed is he who has uncovered the Secret of the Washcloth, for women shall appreciate him more deeply than those who clearly haven’t discovered the Secret.)

A washcloth is a very small square of fabric hanging near the shower. You use it when you’re showering; getting it wet and then rubbing it with the slippery white oblong thing also present in the shower. (Some men actually know what soap is, a lot don’t.) Then you use it to scrub anyplace that’s normally covered by clothing. If you cannot physically view those areas, you should check to make sure the washcloth comes away clean when you’re done scrubbing, otherwise go back and scrub more.

I’m not sure why men seem to think women are the ones for whom washcloths are needed. They were invented for cleaning the human body, which both men and woman have. I have no doubt that a woman invented the washcloth because women seem more vested in bodily cleanliness than the average man. However, everyone can be improved by learning to use one of these simple little reusable cleaning devices.

deodorant

Use it.

bathroom time

I’ve learned to lock bathroom doors with clients, even though I naively thought that since there are only two people in the room, one has disappeared and the bathroom door is closed that the conclusion would be obvious (especially if the shower is running). Apparently not.

If your companion goes to the bathroom, leave her in peace. Escorts do not have teleportation devices and it’s a closed room, she is not going anywhere. If you’re curious about what she’s doing in there, don’t be. Even for a woman, there are a limited number of bathroom activities to choose from. For the record, she is not masturbating, if she desires her own orgasm she’ll wait until she’s home and can proceed in peace.

Do not talk to her through the door: you’re not another woman. Do not knock on the door: you’re older than 3, right? Do not open the door: every woman has seen Psycho and her reaction to your unexpected entry into the bathroom will not be welcoming.

Remember that she isn’t your wife and hasn’t been married to you for decades. She may well live alone and be used to not having people walk in on her in the bathroom. Even if she’s married, leave her alone and allow her to retain a semblance of feminine mystery.

If she walks in on you in the bathroom (on purpose) all bets are off. I’m fairly sure few escorts do that.

clumsy lovers

There are so many things I could say, but in the spirit of this post, I’ll keep it short.

Turning on a highly-experienced woman and a 1970s era lawnmower is not the same thing.

Sex is not an Atari game.

Swallow your saliva at all times no matter what.

Women think it’s cute when dogs lick their face. That’s it. Only dogs. Not people.

A kiss includes lip action, closeness, sensuality, and a shared moment. Kissing is not simply sticking your tongue into someone else’s mouth, devoid of any other context.

Don’t expect her to love your favorite position (it’s your fave, not hers).

If you truly want her to enjoy sex with you, be open to her suggestions because she knows her body better than you.

Women don’t actually poke, prod or cause needless pain when touching themselves for pleasure. Nor should you if you’re touching her.

If you know you sweat heavily during sex, be a gentleman and keep a dry towel handy. Use as needed.

Romantically sighing into a woman’s face is not romantic.

If women were actually aroused by having air blown into their ears, they’d always be lined up at the free air pumps at gas stations.

If you’re consumed with making her body give you that all-important orgasm, not only will you ensure it doesn’t happen but it shows your lack of understanding if you think one orgasm is that satisfying.

Hair. Hair! You’re on my hair!

If it’s not going to happen for either one of you, instead of continuing to embarrass yourself, just have a good cuddle instead. If that cuddle turns into sweet pillow talk and maybe some laughs — so much the better.

A good time doesn’t always have to include bad sex.

Erectile problems are part of aging for men (especially if the man in question has spent his whole life not taking care of his body). Embrace it gracefully and know that your issue truly does not make a difference to your companion, how you handle it does. Sure, there are pills but those have their own side effects and issues. Time to learn what women have always known: separate ego from sex; intimacy does not always include sex; enjoyable sex does not always include orgasm; penetration is not the be-all, end-all for most women.

Genuine affection doesn’t have to include sex at all, but it makes it better when it happens.

That is, if the sex you have is truly mutual. If it’s really all about you, then ignore everything I’ve just said.