No one has yet decided to try and understand the mystery of legitimate rape from the rapist’s point of view. This is my handy guide to make life easy for all men who would like to enjoy unprotected, consequence-free sex with a non-consenting female, especially if the men in question have issues both with becoming a father and their victims obtaining an abortion. The courts have already decided that if it’s not a legitimate rape then it’s consensual sex, and scientifically that means she’ll become pregnant. The best way to tell if it was a legitimate rape is if she doesn’t get pregnant, but why not stack the odds in your favor from the very beginning?

  • 1. You cannot legitimately rape your wife, girlfriend, a girl you’re dating, a relative, coworker, schoolmate, or any female you know or have encountered in any way during your life. Best bet is to rape a total stranger in a town far away from you. Remember, if she knows you in any way — then it’s not a legit rape!
  • 2. You cannot legitimately rape prostitutes (or whatever they call themselves). Prostitutes aren’t real humans and therefore cannot actually be raped. If you do rape a prostitute, you run the risk of being sued for abortion costs or child support. You won’t ever have to worry about rape prosecution though — what a joke!
  • 3. You cannot legitimately rape a drunk and/or drugged female. If she’s incapacitated, then she is consenting and it’s not real rape, so her body won’t protect you by not getting pregnant.
    3b. You cannot legitimately rape a woman if you’re drunk and/or on drugs because it means you weren’t in control of yourself and didn’t know what you were doing. Stay sober to succeed in legit rape. Celebrate later!
  • 4. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who’s walking by herself, regardless of the time of day/night. You should know full well she’s alone because she’s dying to have sex and will probably get pregnant just by kissing her!
  • 5. You cannot legitimately rape any female walking outside her home wearing any sort of clothing. You cannot legitimately rape any female walking outside her home wearing nothing at all. Either way — those sluts are begging to be raped, therefore it’s not legit if you do! You’ll become a daddy for sure.
  • 6. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who is sleeping alone in her house, especially if she’s sleeping naked. She’s just asking for it because she knows how sexy she is when she’s sleeping. A breeder for sure!
  • 7. You cannot legitimately rape any female who comes to you for help if you’re in a position of authority. Doesn’t matter if her apartment was burgled, her house is on fire or she fell and broke her arm. If she’s asking you for help, it means she really wants sex and you can’t legitimately rape her.
  • 8. You cannot legitimately rape a girl who is under the age of 18, especially if she looks 18 or older. Young girls are all about their hormones, which means they’re just trying to get pregnant. Jail-bait = no legitimate rape!
    8b. It’s possible you could legitimately rape a girl who hasn’t begun to menstruate but since it’s highly unlikely she’ll get pregnant, not sure if it counts as legitimate rape. If she does get pregnant (and it has happened) — then she was probably asking for it anyway and it’s probably no longer legitimate rape. This is a bit of a grey area, consult with legal advice to make sure it’s a legit rape.
  • 9. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who has her hair a ponytail. That’s just a sexy handle for her head, which means she’s waiting for a man to come along and use that handle. Probably while ovulating too.
  • 10. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who says No (because of course she really means Yes). She can’t wait to get a hold of your genes and it just trying to trick you into having sex with her. It’s certainly not rape!
  • 11. You cannot legitimately gang-rape a female. If you and a few of your buddies want to share one victim, it won’t work. That’s called a “party” and it’s something sluts willingly participate in. No legit rape unless you do it yourself!
  • 12. You cannot legitimately rape old, fat or ugly women. No one else wants to have sex with them, neither should you!
  • 13. You cannot legitimately rape a lesbian. It’s considered “corrective sex” and is most certainly not rape.
  • 14. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who doesn’t fight you a little bit. Be careful, don’t want her to accidentally kick your balls and ruin your fun! Using weapons is good; breaking bones almost always legitimizes the rape. At the same time, you can’t knock her out, because if she’s unconscious it’s not a legit rape: being unconscious is the same as consent.
  • 15. You cannot legitimately rape a woman who has had sex before at any point in her life. Try to find virgins who fit the other factors in this guide.
  • 16. You cannot legitimately rape a woman of your own race. You can happily cross color barriers and have a legitimate rape (assuming all other factors listed here are in place).

Remember, if the rape’s totally legit, she won’t get pregnant!

Please note: Though it should be obvious, I am not condoning rape. All but one woman that I know has been raped.

11 thoughts on “a guide to legitimate rape

  1. You know I’ve been a fan of your writing for years but I especially love when you lay it on the line like this…the smart, sarcastic and sharp as fuck attitude that makes me want to stand up and cheer. I fell in love with you all over again by point #2 and point #9 made me literally LOL.

  2. David — Sadly true.

    Cecilia — Thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed this piece. I enjoyed writing and editing it. I wanted to get out my sharpest stick and poke hard.

    Jill — Thank you!

  3. It isn’t legitimate rape when you set your ex-girlfriend up to get her someplace so that you can remind her of the love you once shared by having anal sex without lube. That reminds her of how much you love her and her tears are tears of joy. Not legitimate rape. Just love, affection and gentle reminder.

  4. 17. You cannot legitimately rape a man of any kind if you are a woman. Everyone knows that all men are always dying to have sex with all women all the time. Careful, he’ll get…preg..umm

  5. SexyLittleIdeas — The whole idea behind “legitimate rape” is the pregnancy issue. A biological man doesn’t suffer the risk of pregnancy, so really isn’t part of this discussion. I realize it’s all un-PC not to acknowledge that men get raped but for once, I’d like the discussion to focus on women.

  6. 🙂 –your forum. I’m not being all smolderingly bitter..just silly 😉
    ..although i really thought the thing most people took offense to was the ‘legitimate’ part not the pregnancy part..

  7. SexyLittleIdeas — Fair enough then!

    Of course the “legitimate” part is by far THE huge slap in the face. But since it was couched in ridiculous terms of pregnancy and clearly aimed at those who could get pregnant, I responded in kind, mostly by inverting all those “rape prevention” tips women are given all the time (I’m not aware that men are ever given any rape prevention tips, and I doubt male children are given talks about inappropriate touching).

    You’re right in pointing out that Republicans don’t see rape as something that happens to men because that upsets their very gender-divided view of the world. That, and they seem to really care about controlling something that does not belong to them.

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