Because my post on what you pay for with an escort devolved into a discussion on dating an escort (not the original intent of the post) and then into a discussion on men/women/relationships in general, I thought I’d give you a feeling of what it’s like to be a single escort based on my experiences and those of escorts I know. (Since I like men, this is from the traditional perspective of male/female romantic relationships.)
Scenario 1: Dating a client
You hit it off with a client. Really really hit it off. Sparks fly and you’re pretty sure it’s mutual. It takes a few more appointments to really be sure that yes, it’s real. The more you reveal of yourself, the better it gets. Everything about him is check marks across the board. So do you break the biggest taboo and get involved? He already knows what you do for a living so that conversation, at least, is not one you’ll need to have. He may have to overcome his own preconceived notions about you, like you never have a bad mood or might not really be all that fascinated by his job. The fantasy aspect of escort work is strong enough that sometimes being “real” is enough to be a deal-breaker.
Sub-clause A: The married client
Since the vast majority of your clients are married, chances are he is too. Don’t do this. Wait till he’s divorced, recovered and ready for a normal relationship. He may actually leave his wife for you. Not good. Unless you’re ready to be the free girlfriend of a married man (and this may actually suit you just fine if you’re commitment-shy), it’s really best if he keeps paying you. Become his mistress instead. Don’t count on his speedy divorce to move your relationship along because divorcing his current wife is way more expensive than you’ll ever be.
Sub-clause B: The single client
The rare single client is a find! But wait…why is he still single? Married to his job? If you’re commitment-shy, this may work out great for both of you. If you’re looking to settle down, maybe not so well. Is he single simply because he hasn’t found The One? Hmm…this could be promising…
Sub-clause C: The divorced client
If he’s been divorced for years, he may actually be ready for a real relationship and may have gained some wisdom in the process. If he’s freshly divorced, there will be some issues that rear their very ugly heads later on. Or maybe not so later. Better keep this one as a client.
After the initial evaluation of where you and he are in your respective lives, you decide to make the move. He may’ve danced around this topic already but chances are he’s a good client and good clients let the lady make her own decisions.
It worked! Now you’re happily dating. Hopefully he’s not the sort to crow about it on discussion boards and you both start living your relationship.
As always, getting involved impacts your work. Despite popular myth, relationships affect your work, not the other way around. You’d rather spend time with someone you like and who likes you, someone who really knows you instead of a persona, someone for whom you can show up in sweats and it’s not going to hurt their image of you, someone whom talking to is effortless and stimulating, someone with whom the sex is hothothot and deeply fulfilling — in short, not a client. So you slack off and do just enough to pay the bills. Love is always more important than money.
Sub-clause D: Don’t take offense, clients
The whole point of a relationship with one other special person is that the relationship is supposed to be special and far beyond the ordinary, everyday experience. When your everyday work is about connecting with others and sharing intimate moments, it not only raises your own standards/expectations of what you want out of a relationship, it means that when you find someone who hits or exceeds that mark — it really blows your mind. We’re talking a very, very rare person. Like Iberian Lynx rare.
Scenario 1 outcome A:
It just keeps getting better and better. It never stops. You’ve found a friend, a supporter, a fan and someone worth loving. Any woman thinks of settling down when she finds that perfect match. Given what you know about men and the issues of being an escort, the likelihood of you finding someone like this again is miniscule. What to do next? Some might retire. Others might keep as they are. Others may get married. Whatever you do, you’re doing it with him. And he’s with you every step of the way.
Scenario 1 outcome B:
The most likely thing to happen is that it blows up. One day you discover he has serious issues about your work. It may be disguised as “concerns” (e.g. safety, health, financial, etc) but it’s really that he has issues with your work. On rare occasions, escort relationships are really with two incompatible people, but given that escorts know people and usually know when things click, the most common reason things go downhill is that he has issues with your work. Sometimes these issues may surprise him as it digs up stuff he never even thought about. Not that it matters much — you’re the focus of the problems and there goes the relationship.
As an added bonus, that you met him as a client is just more relationship-ammunition for him. Another bonus is that you can now re-focus on your work, though frankly, work is the last place you want to be. An alternate ending to this is Scenario 2 sub-clause A outcome B.
You decide not to date clients.
Scenario 2: Dating a civilian
You try online dating because, well, it seems so easy! Turns out that although escorts are supposed to be honest in their advertising, men looking for free sex partners aren’t nearly so honest. You have to figure out whether they’re married first before you can starting doing the criminal background check. After finally finding one who seems to be a normal human being you may actually want to spend time with, he shows up and looks like nothing the photos from 10 years ago on his ad.
Scenario 2b: Sugar Daddies
You try one of those sites. Turns out it’s full of really cheap bad clients. If you’re going to earn money for dating, it’s easier to just stick with your work. Your escort rates are higher and your clients are better than these guys.
Real life turns out to be the answer, as it always is. You meet some eligible men and things happen. You start dating. How long will your flimsy cover story about your so-called day job hold up? Should you tell or not?
Sub-clause A: Tell
You bite the bullet and tell.
A) He thinks it’s cool. He’s intrigued. Whew. The sex gets better too! Things will progress until it ends. See Scenario 1 outcome A or B.
B) He can’t get past it. Everything blows up. Oh well, you didn’t have too much emotionally-invested in someone you couldn’t be honest with anyway. Wait, does he know where you live? Your real name? Your online identity? Is he going to go away or become a stalker?Sub-clause A outcome A:
He goes away, you pick again from the scenarios.Sub-clause A outcome B:
He doesn’t go away. You get a lawyer, a dog, move away, restart your life and your business. You may even get the police involved (worse — he gets the police involved.). You learn about skip-tracing, TOR, privacy, etc. At the very least, you now have a whole new field of knowledge and know who your real friends are! It’s also very likely you have some added baggage when you consider dating anyone ever again. You consider finding a therapist, but that’s a lot like dating. We know how that goes!
Sub-clause B: Don’t tell
You invent a better cover story or just get more mysterious. Things go great but there’s the suspense of all your lies hanging over your head. Because you can’t totally be yourself around him or introduce all your friends to him, the relationship is a bit shallow. But it’s a relationship!
Most of the time these relationships just fade away or stop working or whatever. There are a few escorts who are married and do this secretly. Most don’t. Most normal people don’t really need the added stress in their lives. (Do not read the Tracy Quan/Nancy Chan books as a realistic relationship template.)
When this ends — and it will — you pick from one of the scenarios again. Unless it ends like Scenario 2 sub-clause A outcome B because he found out.
Forget trying to start a relationship. Maybe it would just be easier to use the Internet for what’s it’s really for: SEX!
Scenario 3: Using civilians for sex
So you join some sites (swinger groups or sites like AdultFriendFinder). You naively think that a woman looking for no-strings-attached (NSA) sex would have a really easy time of it online. That is, if one were able to judge chemistry through the screen. And if men were honest about basic things like their height or sexual experience or fitness level.
The few men you do hook up with aren’t anything to tell your girlfriends about. Most of the time, you leave them thinking you should’ve been paid because you got nothing out of it. Your favorite clients are way more fun than this and treat you better too. (If you live in a tourist town, like Vegas, chances are strong that the men you like best live in states you never visit.)
Thinking out of the box, you try CraigsList Casual Encounters and discover that not only are the men posting there psycho, many of them want relationships. Isn’t that what the Misc Romance section is for?
You try sex clubs. Not as much sex goes on as one might hope for. And quality is out the window.
Your Internet dating attempts teach you that illiterate men are a huge turn-off.
Scenario 4: Other Options
[This section is intentionally left blank.]
speaking from experience
I’ve pursued relationships with three clients. That’s finally been enough for me to learn my lesson. (One might still read this blog, one only read a post which referred to him and the third does not read this blog at all.)
Update 8/2020: I’m on another client-relationship and this one is working well (been a couple years, I’m retired, starting civvie work). The one before him was great too, however he’s married and remaining married. When we meet in another life it will be different.
I did try client-relationships a couple other times and they bombed very quickly. I’ll say this for age: you learn how to detonate any possible explosions and quickly too. Clearing out leftover ordnance in a man is a task that should be done ASAP in order to determine what’s to be done next, if anything.
As to why? I’m a hermit. I just don’t meet men any other way these days. Quarantine put zero crimp in my style because I barely noticed a difference in my routine. Quite happy living in my home and avoiding the masses.
I’ve tried SeekingArrangement too. All I can say — made me appreciate the self-honesty of actual clients.
I’ve used the Internet (like CraigsList and swingers’ groups) to find NSA sex partners. With very rare exception this is an utter waste of time/energy. At this point I’m just saving my money so I can book an overnight with a male escort. And waiting to see a broader selection at the Shady Lady.
Yes, I have stories. They would fill another blog.
why is it so hard for escorts?
The reason for all this angst? Real relationships are difficult. Period.
Then you mix in his beliefs/issues about sex, women’s sexuality, his relationship to money, stereotypes about sex work/sex workers, his friends, his family and it gets much, much more difficult. (Extra difficulty-points if either/both of you have ex-spouses/children.)
Then add in your own issues, some of them from the very real prejudice and problems you experience as an escort. Some issues arise just because you’re a very experienced woman — far more than the average office co-worker he’s likely to run into. The people-experiences and self-knowledge you develop as an escort set you far apart from ordinary women. You may look and act ordinary on the surface but if you were indeed ordinary — you wouldn’t be an escort in the first place. Not being ordinary makes relationships tough because your needs and expectations aren’t anything he’s encountered before. Some men are very capable of learning and growing. Many are not. And there is no easy well to tell until you’ve taken the chance with him.
Every time you meet someone who sparks your interest, or think about putting yourself out there to meet someone (because you are a human and would very much like some sort of partner) — all this goes through your head over and over again.
Many girls I know don’t date while they’re working. It’s just easier that way.
I think your summation is dead-on: dating is tough in and of itself. It’s a wonder any of us manage to get together, really.
Thanks for this perspective – frank, honest and sharp.
Beth
Oh. My. God. What an *awful* bunch of choices. They look and sound dead-on real and true. Which is even *more* awful.
Mind you, I speak as a guy who wasn’t ready to marry til age 32 — and got it wrong, was divorced 4 years later — and then got it right at age 40 (life begins at 40) almost 20 years ago, but who could have been utterly certain at the time that it would turn out to be right? I know that I’m as much Mr. Glass House as anybody else.
Like you said so rightly, Beth, dating is tough all by itself.
But this too? Oh God.
Just in case it’s not clear: I’m not pitying, I’m not drawing conclusions, I’m not drawing anything. I’m just — oh, God.
Beth,
Thank you! As someone who writes about their own dating trials, I know you appreciate this!
RSRD,
Awful maybe, but I do hope you’re laughing. This isn’t me whining, just me attempting to be darkly humourous while being honest. And like you, I’m maturing as well. Gives me perspective — I could not have written this a few years ago.
XX
Dark humor? OK, dark humor I understand. (“Just because you’re paranoid … doesn’t mean that no one’s out to get you …” )
I had a thought, though, while mulling this overnight. A theme I feel I’ve noticed through many posts is “personal autonomy.” To paraphrase, No one owns me but me … no one gets to make my decisions but me. (Which strikes me as a truth that is head-shakingly obvious, but which also bewilders and/or terrifies many others — both men and women, alas.)
I have also noticed this theme in a particular “structure” for social-romantic-sexual relationships that I’ve encountered (on the Web, not in person). The “structure” (or perhaps “category”) is called “polyamory.”
The usual definition of polyamory has to do with having multiple committed loving relationships at the same time, with the conscious knowledge and consent of all involved. In good polyamorous relationships, I gather, “jealousy” and “envy” are acknowledged openly as potential issues and get discussed before things blow up.
Perhaps — *perhaps* — a man who can handle polyamory might be able to handle having a committed loving relationship with an escort he has not hired.
I’m offering this thought tentatively, partly because I can’t speak about handling multiple sexual relationships at the same time from personal experience, and partly because I don’t want even to seem to be “telling you what to do.” I respect your autonomy, and I want it to be clear that I do.
If this is a new thought for you, and if you would like me to say anything more about it, please feel free to let me know. Of course, “google” and “polyamory” would probably let you find out for yourself as much (as little) as I already know!
Best wishes,
RSRD
RSRD,
I prefer the concept of open relationships. I’ve tried having a number of lovers at one time and getting emotionally-involved with multiple people has drawbacks as far as energy-draining goes and how the individual relationships develop. So I’m back to the open-relationship model.
For me, that means I have one lover, and we’re both free to pursue sexual interestes outside of the relationship but not getting overly involved with these people. I’ve wanted open relationships since I was young but boyfriends would recoil in terror when I’d suggest it. I’ve had better luck as I’ve gotten older (and as the age/life experience of my lovers increased as well).
I don’t like to use the term polyamory simply because it already comes with a standard set of definitions and practices. I prefer to create my own path since that suits me best — as you’ve noticed 😉
Not that tossing in the “open relationship” thing makes a new relationship any easier to navigate! It requires a very self-honest, self-aware, incredibly secure man.
XX
PS: Anyone reading this who is interested in the concept of open relationships/polyamory would do well to read The Ethical Slut.
This is a brilliant piece. It’s dead-on accurate, by my experience. I am unbelievably fortunate to have two male partners who love and support me, but I have had all those scenarios happen to me, with both male and female partners. Well done.
I was already polyamorous before I started doing sex work and I haven’t had many problems. My pre-existing partners are happy for me that I’ve found lucrative work that I enjoy and one of them finds it hot and sexy but not in an over-fetishized way. Guys I’ve dated since I started have mostly been fine with it (and by that I mean *actually* fine with it) and some of them think it’s hot while still respecting me as a person, not a fantasy. Even in the polyamory community, there are some people who have issues with it, but, hey, it just means that they weren’t feminist enough to get wth this, anyway, and I’m happy to be made aware of that information sooner rather than later. Polyamory for the win!
Mistress Matisse,
THANK YOU! [my mouth hanging open in shock and awe]
Rhythm,
Nice to have your input. As RSRD suspected, the polyamory community is more open to sex workers. Good to know!
XX
(RSRD chuckles) Silly me, to have thought that you might not have heard of it! What was I thinking? 🙂
I’m glad to see MM’s applause, and to see her and R’s encouraging words. They helped me see your post for the wry observation that I think you meant it to be. (Thank you, ladies.)
Again, best wishes from this ignorant civilian. 🙂
RSRD
I do not think any of us in “the trade” could have said it any better.
‘Just adding a note; I’m just finding your blog and finding it entertaining and insightful. It is so good to see that there are others like myself out there experiencing the same or similar scenarios. I cannot thank you enough for sharing!
Amazing text. Dark humour at its best, indeed.
The fear of scenario B (dating a civilian), sub-clause A: Tell, outcome B (the bad one) is what kept me single for the last 3 years or so. I don’t want to hide who I am.
And I am too invested in my current career, and the dreams, and self-actualization it provides to face the idea of restarting my life if things go wrong. Yes, I do have a plan B in mind if that ever happens – but it doesn’t mean I am emotionally ready for it. Being single is the evil I know and am comfortable with, for now. Especially since I have seen enough people finding personal happiness later in life.
P.S. Oh, and before being single? Tried the dating a married client route. Ouch.
RSRD,
🙂
Elle,
Thank you. Big part of the reason I’m sharing.
Thais,
Yes and yes. Glad you enjoyed this!
XX
Are you seriously trying to pretend that anyone wants to date and have a serious relationship with a prostitute? They do not. There are any number of words that occur to a guy when thinking about having sex with a woman after she has sold herself. Sloppy seconds for one. I could go on. We have a bunch of them. You are kidding yourself if you think some guy wants a serious relationship with you. Prostitution must really screw with your head.
Lol tom… There are 3 types of male/client opinions I’ve encountered; as far as dating escorts.
#1 Most common- I want u to be mine, I don’t care what u have done, but I need u to quit.
#2 Next most common- I don’t care period. Keep working. Be my gf. I think it’s hot!
#3 Extremely uncommon- I would never date a pro past or present. They are disgusting. Aren’t u ashamed? U must be on drugs aren’t u?
I get verrrrry concerned for my life/safety when I get a #3 type. I immediately think of the movie American Psycho. These type of men typically hate women, all women. Period. They are not as common as u might think though. But nonetheless always on high alert when one is seen.
Seriously though tomtee, very ignorant of u to think all men think like yourself. Especially in a field u have 0 personal experience in? Know it all much.
Amanda,
TomTee is wrong. I will always love you unconditionally. I will always admire your beauty and Texas charm.
Sounds pretty mono-amorous to me. Which reminds me of …
THEODOTUS. Caesar: you are a stranger here, and not conversant with our laws. The kings and queens of Egypt may not marry except with their own royal blood. Ptolemy and Cleopatra are born king and consort just as they are born brother and sister.
BRITANNUS (shocked). Caesar: this is not proper.
THEODOTUS (outraged). How!
CAESAR (recovering his self-possession). Pardon him. Theodotus: he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
— George Bernard Shaw, Caesar and Cleopatra, Act II
TomTee,
Regardless of how many fun little names you throw at women, we do date other people, this was not a fantasy-based post. Without even knowing you, I can safely say that prostitution screws with your head more than mine.
So bug off.
Agent009,
Thank you! 🙂
RSRD,
Ha! Thanks for the civil explanation. Some people live on very, very tiny islands.
Oh, the term I was thinking of was gallows humour. Sort of the same thing as dark humour, but not quite. Took me a couple days to think of it.
XX
Unfortunately, Mono-Amorous Island is a big one — which is another reason why its natives have trouble seeing anything else. (And which is also why its resident aliens — people who are capable of loving more than one person at a time! — can have so much trouble finding others they can meet face-to-face.)
“Gallows humor.” Of course. Sometimes ya just gotta laugh!
Going in a more positive direction, I had come across Mistress Matisse’s name from time to time, but not being into D/S I hadn’t gone further.
However, I recently happened to hear her on Cunning Minx’s podcast, Polyamory Weekly (, episodes 105 & 106 (April 2007, OK so I’m behind and catching up!). Lovely voice and lovely heart/attitude. The wealth of experience and wisdom I heard in her conversation with Minx led me to see, in my mind’s eye, a mature woman — probably in her 40s at least.
I was very pleasantly surprised a few days later, when I wandered onto her web site and found that her photos showed a lady as lovely in appearance as she had been in voice and heart and attitude. 🙂
“Where do I find other Polys” is a recurring theme on Minx’s podcast. Episode 150 (April 2008) focuses on “Five Places To Meet Polys”, but many feedback e-mails and voice mails also say in effect “I keep hearing about these great hotbeds of poly, but I’m stuck in Podunk-by-Poly, and what can I do?
Minx’s site has a forum where like-minded people might discover each other, as well as links and other resources for ditto.
She also has a link to the Swingercast podcast (), which I also follow and enjoy. The forum there also has many posts saying “We want to do this stuff, but we can’t find anyone near us!” It looks like the only Swingercast Forum members who have NSA sex more frequently than 2x or 3x/year are those who happen to live in cities with active and attractive on-site clubs (such as Los Angeles or Seattle).
John and Allie, who host the podcast, do organize “meetups” at Desire (Cancun) and at the annual SwingFest in Florida. (They book blocks of rooms to get group-rate discounts for their forum members.) It looks like many forum members in more “isolated” areas look forward to these gatherings as the highlight of their year.
Everybody has a hard time finding people; but at least the people using these resources (polys and swingers) are able to talk with like-minded people as they look. Strikes me as a much better search strategy than accepting random dates or going to the club that (randomly) happens to be nearby.
I hated dating.
Amanda,
Your writing style continues to evolve into one of the most reflective and sincere efforts on the Internet. While we try to rationalize the scenarios and outcomes, social interaction by its nature is unpredictable. As long as the light burns inside there is hope for us all to learn from one another. become more tolerant, and extend a helping hand.
Oh my goodness, TomTee, don’t fob off your hangups on men in general!
“…There are any number of words that occur to a guy when thinking about having sex with a woman after she has sold herself…”
One of them is….WOW. Often another is AMAZING. Another is THANKS! A phrase that often comes to mind is ‘so THATS what I was missing!??’ Yet another phrase is ‘When can I see you again?’. Still another isn’t expressed with words at all…just a hug, a smile, and a gentle kiss.
There are many reasons why people do what they do for a living. And just as many reasons for people to fall in love, like, lust, or just general togetherness with those people.
Sheesh. What a grump you are.
Well said Amanda and I am so glad you have an understanding and loving partner in your life. It doesn’t get much better than that.
RSRD,
I’ve been a fan of Mistress Matisse for a long time. She is so wise and very open-minded, not to mention very smart! One day I hope to meet her.
I still prefer to do my hunting the old-fashioned way: track it down and, well, not kill it in this case. 😉 It’s far more important for me to find someone with whom I mesh well and generally I prefer people who do NOT identify with any “community” but instead just lead their lives. Then I open their minds. Maybe it’s the hard way of doing it. I just prefer not to date someone whose defining characteristic is that they belong to a community of sexual preferences.
The size of the island I was thinking of was TomTee’s island. Very very tiny.
Yellowstone,
Thank you. I hope to at least present another viewpoint for people to think about.
Juan,
BIG hugs and kisses to you! Beautifully said. I have no doubt that you’re a favorite client of the ladies you see. We like positive, supportive people with your attitude. If you ever start a blog, let us know.
David,
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed this.
XX
Saw Tom Tee’s comment.
You know, I have several good female friends. They are not escorts – they are regular women in the mid to late 20s whom I met in University and elsewhere. One girl is married with a baby, another Christian and was a virgin for a very long time, etc. – women who cannot be labeled “sluts”, the “good girls”.
And they would kick in the balls a guy who used the word “sloppy seconds” on any woman. Much less date him.
Because that term represents contempt for what women choose to do with their sexuality and attempt to morally control those choices. And socially progressive “good girls”, from what I have seen, despise such kind of behaviour.
Amanda, the word “community” is used to describe all sorts of social networks with a common interest shared by all. It can be about sexual/romantic orientation or just about anything else. We’ve all heard the term “community” used to describe folks interested in everything from wine tasting to belly dance to playing Scrabble. To assume that anyone who identifies with a certain social network has no identity of their own or is not involved in any other social activities is closed-minded. You’re going to miss out on a lit of fantastic individuals that way!
I can tell you from experience as well as observation that trying to convert someone to ethical nonmonogamy is a near-impossible endeavor. Dating someone who already identifies that way is far easier.
Amanda,
This was a very interesting post. Due to societal boxes in general, which seems so unacceptable of sex workers, I can not imagine what it would be to live in shadows. At least here in the States. I wondered how you could have a regular life as a sex worker. I can tell you it is just as difficult to have a regular life even if you are not in the profession.
I have been involved in all aspects of the client side. I consider myself as a “regular” married woman of some years. I have lived within a closed triad relationship and now in a “open” marriage. Which is not as “open” as everyone would think.
For my intellectual and emotional well being I need to be involved with more than one love. No one person has it all, even me. LOL I have found and been found by like minded people who understand acceptance, respect, trust and yes, love. I have found it within three communities; polyamory, swing and male companionship. In all three there is no question, wonderment or intrusion of my life, “it is what it is.” I decide how, who, when and what I share.
I believe patience is what makes the difference. Patience for trust and knowledge of another person. I agree with Rhythm, you can not convert someone into ethical sluthood. I don’t need to. From experience like finds like. Especially once you take the time to stand still and BE.
Thais,
Yes indeed. When someone applies a sexually-pejorative term to one woman, it means they hold that view of all women. Excellent point.
Rhythm,
I could go on about my issues with “community” but of the communities I’ve observed from the fringes, the only one I wish to be a part of is the sex worker rights community. Otherwise, I’m not a “community” person. I’ve met poly-community men and have no interest. As I think I already said, I may be taking the harder road but it suits me better. I don’t like dating community-minded people. Not saying communities don’t work for people (they obviously do), I simply don’t choose that path for myself. Some of my dating issues may have arisen from that, but I doubt most of them have. Nor do most people consciously identify as belonging to some sort of community.
NoGNoG,
Apparently my use of the word “convert” struck everyone’s ears. Perhaps “turn out” would be a better word. No, if someone is not inclined to an open relationship, they can’t be forced into it and I don’t do that (never said I did). I have found a couple men who are inclined that way but haven’t had the willing partner to try it out. Enter me.
Though I very much would like to be a client (for a number of reasons), I’m really not interested in the community thing. Can’t stress this enough. My private and personal life is not a community effort and I have NO desire for it to be. I know what I want and I already know it’s not to be found amongst anyone who refers to their sexuality as a “lifestyle”.
XX
Amanda, please stop referring to polyamory as a form of sexuality. Being polyamorous has nothing to do with what kind of sex one likes, with what gender(s), how often, etc. I don’t care for the term “lifestyle,” either, but when one’s way of loving is rejected by society as much or more so than LGBTQ, yeah, we tend to form support networks. That doesn’t mean that we deserve your snarky put-downs based on assumptions about us that we are hung up on a label. That is no more true of poly folks than it is of people who identify as part of the sex worker rights community.
I know it’s hip and cool to resist being a joiner, but frankly, I get tired of hearing, “But don’t you get jealous?” from non-poly types every single time I discuss my life with my partners in *exactly* the same manner they do theirs.
Rhythm,
I wasn’t being snarky. Sorry it came across that way. The poly people I met referred to themselves in the way I’ve used the terms. Perhaps you can understand why it was off-putting to me. (Most people do seem to view it as a sexuality.)
That being said…I don’t wish for a poly relationship, merely an open one. I do think there is a difference and I explained what I think the difference is in one of my earlier comments. Yes, I think poly works for some people — obviously. If someone reading this hasn’t looked into a poly group, they might wish to because it sounds like fun to them — and I hope it sparks that idea in the right person. All I’ve ever said was it’s not for me.
As for people being hung up on a label…there IS a lot of labeling within communities — one reason why I resist the idea of “community”. You haven’t gotten me started on the whole priveledge or hiearchy thing in sex work yet. I’m guilty of labeling sexually-based communities too. Based on my life experiences (and I’ve met quite a few people), I don’t wish to have a serious relationship with anyone who puts a label on themselves in this way.
I’m dying laughing that you think I’m trying to be “cool” by not being a joiner. “Cool” has never been used to describe me and “cool” is never something I’ve aspired to in my entire life. Not being “a joiner” is who I am. Period. If you think I follow trends or espouse ideas just to be cool, you haven’t been paying attention in class.
This got way off track but in re-reading the first paragraph of the post, this wasn’t just me writing about my relationships, it was me talking about being an escort and trying to have a relationship based on my experiences and stories I’ve heard. A lot more women have silently contributed to this piece than you may realize. Most of these women have even less desire than me to join a community of people just to find a partner. They may join a local non-profit or political campaign or their arts community as part of their lives but most wish to find a partner on their own terms and naturally as part of their own lives. (Finding sex partners is different than relationship partners.)
That’s what I prefer too. It’s the least-contrived option. It’s not the easiest path, as I’ve noted. Understand too, that many escorts are happy to retire when they find the relationship that works for them, which means they have different expectations of their relationship than you or I might.
XX
Hmmm… there seems to be a problem. Am I now blocked from commenting?
I totally get not being a “joiner,” because I’m not one too. (I’m also totally inept at negotiating.)
Brava for the gallows humor in your original post (now that I’m closer to getting that — closer than I was initially). Gallows humor does help stressed people manage the stress, doesn’t it?
If he’s savvy, a guy eventually learns when he should not push solutions, but just shut up and listen — really listen..
Best wishes. 🙂
Rhythm,
You are not blocked from my end. I don’t check my spam filter so try again, especially if your comment was long. The only people I’ve ever blocked were not you. Not even close 🙂
RSRD,
Poking gentle fun at former military not being a “joiner” 😉
Gallows humour is it. Took me a while to understand it as well.
Listening is always good advice in relationships. Always.
XX
“Joiner”: I was in college when they re-started the draft lottery during the Nixon Administration. They pulled my birthday out of the fishbowl on the 27th try. If I had done nothing, I would have been handed an offer I couldn’t refuse: an all-expenses-paid vacation to fabulous Vietnam, humping a rifle through rice paddies while hoping someone else would be the one to step on the punji stick.
Instead, I went to sea as a naval officer on nuclear submarines. Nobody was shooting at me, and I got to sleep in a clean-and-dry bunk. The lesser evil.
I then proceeded to persuade myself that I was being painted into this corner as part of a Grand Cosmic Plan. Got to, y’know? Got to. It took a few years before both I and the Navy figured out just how wrong I was.
(And I got a “counseling letter” in my service jacket when I refused to join the Officer’s Club. The local Admiral wanted to keep it a mummified 19th century Old Boy’s club, and it was shedding members faster than a tree sheds leaves in autumn, while a hot and lively joint on base was packed with lively young officers. The Admiral figured he could keep it alive if he “strongly urged” those young officers to become members — and pay its membership fees. I think most of them folded, and joined. Gutless wimps.)
Still listening. Stay safe. I hope you had a happy Valentine’s Day. <3
RSRD,
Thanks for your history. I sense a bit of gallows humour in here too.
Totally forgot that you came of age with a different military institution than the one I’m familiar with — especially the draft. No, not a joiner at all!
I can’t even put myself in your shoes. I would have gone nuts, I think. But that’s a whole different discussion. (The draft part, not the “nuts” part.)
XX
Yeah, to all.
And I did kinda go nuts. But then, “When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies?”
— Miguel de Cervantes, in the musical “Man of La Mancha”
The Grand Cosmic Plan was the core of my own particular way of going nuts.
Stay warm. 🙂
OK, I’m going to try posting my comment in short pieces since I tried no less than three times to no avail. :-/
Amanda,
I sincerely apologize if I’ve come off as trying to convince you to try polyamory. That has never been my intent. But you didn’t just say it wasn’t for you. You’ve been critical of anyone who identifies as polyamorous because, in my view, you have misconceptions about it.
Bleah. I can only post one or two sentences at a time.
Rhythm,
I don’t like a lot of things. People who idenitify as poly aren’t disliked, per se, I’m just unimpressed by it all. They aren’ t the only ones. I don’t have to like everyone and everything, perceived misconceptions or no. You can eat all the brussel sprouts you want, I know they aren’t for me.
Have you changed your browser or cookies or anything? You were posting longer comments before. I haven’t touched my blog settings in a couple years.
RSRD,
🙂
Traveling to warmer climes right now!
XX
Bon voyage
Interesting…
I make a difference between social monogamy and sexual monogamy (gleaned from reading the book The Myth of Monogamy). Social monogamy is basically the legal and social benefits of being married.
At some point, I know that I want someone to be socially monogamous and intimate in the long-term with, and I believe/hope that with the right guy, this can transcend a phase of sexual non-monogamy (my relatively brief career as an escort- I doubt I will be doing this in my 50s).
I think that often, the sexually-non-monogamous wife gets over-fetishized (i.e., the “hotwife” and cuckold relationships), and that’s probably not what you’re looking for. I’ve tried it in the past, it left me feeling very insecure (but opened my mind to escorting). Too many pressures, labels, boxes, whatever…
It just is alot for a guy to wrap his head around that relationships with clients are on totally different paths (so there’s no thinking of “Tom” when you’re with your boyfriend), and that the intimacy within temporary liaisons can be profound, but pragmatically non-threatening to the more longterm relationship.
Money and the culture of escorting set important boundaries in these “alternative” relationships, and so I wouldn’t want a totally open-relationship unless he were also charging for his time. That would be very unlikely 😛
I really liked your line: “The people-experiences and self-knowledge you develop as an escort set you far apart from ordinary women. You may look and act ordinary on the surface but if you were indeed ordinary — you wouldn’t be an escort in the first place. Not being ordinary makes relationships tough because your needs and expectations aren’t anything he’s encountered before.” — that is SO true, even from the 5 months or so I’ve been escorting!
Just as when i wasnt an escort i have found that relationships find me and not the other way around and I dont make rules for myself “date” “dont date” i just live and if i find someone special then i consider myself lucky and i go with the flow.
My civvie friends have just as difficult time finding quality men to date as my escort friends. It just hard out there no matter what side of the fence you are on.
Nice read, enjoyed it very much.
xo
Jenny
Jenny,
Glad you enjoyed this.
Relationships are difficult no matter what, throwing in the escort baggage just makes it harder. Sometimes a girl wants to take matters in her own hands and seek out a partner, other times life just happens.
Can’t think of any civilian friends I have that I can compare myself to, honestly. But I do have PLENTY of escort dating stories!
XX
Well, well, well, not only is she beautiful – she’s also very clever. I suppose I am going to have to go and buy your book now Amanda, I have been meaning to forever. Do you remember your ole buddy Kerstynsmilz? I’ve always wondered how you were and here I find your blog googling random bs, feeling nostolgic and find you. Must be fate, please email when you can it’s been too long. And, btw.. I am a mommy now to a beautiful 10 month girl, my personal love story.
Alright, your current blog….
Oh, how I have been through almost each scenario you’ve painted for us here, I’ve come to the conclusion at 38 that I would rather be a little lonely now and then and stick with my indulgences as a provider. My favorite gentlemen fill a place for me a boyfriend has yet to reach. It’s just too much work, and I’ve grown into my independence as a provider that I saw in you 8 years ago when you were 8 years younger than I. You’ve always been a wise soul. Bravo… keep up the blog, your brain is quite lovely and your honesty is refreshing. friends always Kerstyn
thinking back, it’s been more like 5 years since I have seen you last not 8. ps bbwsunshine3xd@gmail.com http:/www.freewebs.com/bbwsunshine
Nice read. I have become friends with several ladies in this business and have watched/listened as a number of them have gone through dating periods–some serious and some casual. I can see much of what you say in what they have been through.
Getting to Outcome 1A is hard work. But then I think that is true for non-escorts as well. I have 3 friends who reached a 1A kind of outcome and all three retired to try and give it the best chance of working out long term. So far so good for all of them.
Thanks for a very interesting piece of writing–I have already jotted down the URL and will send it to two ladies struggling with this right now. Is it OK for them to contact you privately if they want to talk more about the topic with you?
Kerstyn,
Of course I remember you! And have often wondered how you were. I lost track of you somewhere in Chicago. I’m glad to hear you’re doing well.
Thank you for liking my little post here. Though I haven’t spoken to you personally (in at least 5 years if not 6!), my little scenarios are from common experience. Such as it is. Sigh.
Will email you shortly. 🙂
Old-T,
Thanks for reading!
Scenario 1 Outcome A is difficult for every human being, escorts reach it more rarely than most and yet probably have more to offer than most — this is the cry of frustration I hear from many escorts (myself included). Yes, feel free to share the link with the ladies you know and I’ll be happy to talk to them via email, not that I have a great deal of hidden wisdom I haven’t shared here.
XX
I have just discovered your blog and I love it!
I have recently started my own up, but it is at the very baby stages: http://www.sexyeducation.wordpress.com
I think that what you are writing about is at the heart of so many issues, i wish people would open their eyes and stop blinding themselves with stigma.
Nice to meet someone like minded 😉
xxx
Natasha,
I look forward to seeing you address stigma on your blog. It exists in many forms around sex, not just sex work!
XX
“…Juan,
BIG hugs and kisses to you! Beautifully said. I have no doubt that you’re a favorite client of the ladies you see. We like positive, supportive people with your attitude. If you ever start a blog, let us know….”
OK, a day late and a dollar short…never done a blog, but for laughs I’m playing around with one: http://juanclient.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/how-did-i-start/
Not that anyone is going to be particularly enthralled at reading it, but starting a blog is the best advice I have had from anyone recently (Thanks!!) becuase I can go over a few things that have been rattling around my brain in an organized fashion, and in the process of editing try and distill down what I really think.
And since it is anonymous, I can do so to my heart’s content….without cluttering up the commons, so-to-speak… 😉
Juan,
How wonderful! Thank you for posting your blog link. I’m very sure that several readers from here will become fans of yours.
More than one person uses a blog (public/private/anonymous) as really cheap group therapy. I think you’re going to enjoy writing your thoughts down and working them out as you go along.
XX